TAG! You're it!

I usually reply to comments left on here and on any other sites where I post stuff--just seems rude to leave someone hanging when they took the time to comment, you know?  I always wonder though if anyone ever reads what I've written in response.  Once someone has left a comment, they very rarely return to see if you've left any additional nuggets of thought.  Oh, the things about which I muse!  

Ric and I got into an "argument" last night (quotation marks being because most of our arguments are fake--you'll catch on when you hear what we were arguing about).  I made the executive decision that, in honor of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Ric's member should be named Queen Margaret.  He objected.  I decided he may warm up to the idea if I showed him how well Queen Margaret could be honored through music, so I began spontaneously composing songs for Queen Margaret ("Queeeeeeeen Margaret likes to sing because Queen Margaret's a dingaling. Queeeeeeen Margaret would like to dance if she weren't trapped in your pants!"  This is just one excerpt...).  Despite my best efforts to win him over, he wasn't buying it...men attach so much of their own masculinity to that one part.  Makes me wonder how men who somehow lose theirs are possibly able to cope.  Oh, funny thing--Ric asked me, "Well, if mine has to have a girl name, yours has to have a boy name, so what's yours?" My reply?  "King Humphrey."  I don't know why.  It just came to me immediately...the implications of naming my hoompty hoompty parts King Humphrey hit me after Ric pointed it out (he said I must spell it "Humpfree" but I refuzzle).  

I really need to give Bentley a bath...and I was reminded of this because he just jumped up in my lap, not because of any possible connotations that could be derived from my last paragraph, although the Freudians would have a field day!  Anyway, back to Bentley.  Bentley is a flea bag.  I don't know how--he NEVER goes outside, but nonetheless, he's a scratchy, itchy, furry ball o f little hopping parasites.  We gave him medicine, but now he has dead fleas all over him, and he's just too bushy to get them off of himself, so I'm about to boldly go where only stupid people have gone before.  I shall be doing so by following the brilliant instructions of Bud Herron in Cat Bathing as a Martial Art:

By Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I’ve spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I’ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: “This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez.”

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advise you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend alot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.