But You're My Lobster!

My best friend has a really wonderful fiance.  With that said, I'm pretty sure he smokes crack.  I mean, he doesn't do that whole cracked out not eating for days thing that seems to be the cracked out thing to do (oh no, we have hard-wood floors just out of fear that if Matty visited he'd gnaw on the carpet.  This boy is a cute little garbage disposal!), he's never jacked my stereo to pay for his addiction, and I haven't actually SEEN him partaking of this illegal substance, but I still believe he smokes crack.  Why?  Well, he's Melinda's lobster (I don't ask questions), and because he's Melinda's lobster, and she his, they want a lobster wedding cake topper, but according to Matty, these Bride and Groom lobsters, whilst perched so happily upon their wedding cake, should be battling with toothpicks.  Now, this raises a number of questions.  As I asked Melinda, "Do lobsters typically battle with toothpicks? Do you and Matt battle with toothpicks? Or do brides and grooms typically battle each other with toothpicks in Matt's family? Wouldn't toothpicks rot if lobsters carried around toothpicks under the sea? Do lobsters even have teeth?"  And there's the question I reserved for this blog because I know Melinda will read it, and I generally aim to amuse, "Is Matty smoking crack?"  

I was going to be a total smart ass and give some smarmy response to each of these questions, but I was so astounded by the answer to one that I have decided to focus my research.  Do lobsters have teeth? Yes.  IN THEIR STOMACHS.  The stomach is located a very short distance from the mouth, and the food is actually chewed in the stomach between three grinding surfaces that look like molar surfaces, called the "gastric mill."  Even freakier--lobsters can regenerate certain limbs, so if a lobster somehow loses a leg (or antennae, or a claw), they can just say, "Ah, fuck it.  It'll grow back" and keep right on cruisin'!  So Melinda, interested in having kids?  Let's say you really ARE a lobster.  The perks of this are that a female lobster can carry live sperm for up to two years, so if Matt ever REALLY pissed you off, you could withhold sex for up to two years with no pressure from the biological clock.  It'd even be a kind of "get out of jail free" card because, by law, a lobster carrying eggs has to be let go.  Kind of a sweet arrangement, if you ask me...hmm...maybe Matty's onto something.  I mean, other than the crack. =D