Failure to Launch...I'm Probably Going to Hell

So I spent a week in Orlando a while back with the hubs and Kato.  Actually, Katie met us down there on Thursday, so it wasn't really a full week with her there.  This deprived us of entertainment in the car.  Katie is afraid of tall things.  For the most part, this applies to smoke stacks, but the occasional water tower or bridge gets lumped in as well.

This generally leads to copious expletives, shrieking, and mass hysteria.  It provides me with laughs, however, so I'm willing to deal with the persistent THWAPS to the back of the head every time I crack up at her terror.  Sometimes, I attempt to divert her attention, but it usually doesn't work.

The irony to all this is that Katie came down to Orlando so we could all go to the shuttle launch.  I fail to see how on God's green Earth the woman isn't afraid of shuttles since they're pretty much smoke stacks with boosters, AND THEY FLY, but hey, I don't judge.  Unfortunately, the launch got scrubbed.  Most of the rest of the day went like this:

Kato was heartbroken and enraged.  She needed a pick-me-up, something completely ridiculous and comical to lift her spirits.  Spirits.  Spirit.  HOLY SPIRIT!  This is when I remembered that there's a theme park in Orlando called The Holy Land Experience.  That's right, folks, for the low low price of just $35 per adult, you can walk right on in and pose for a photo op with The Light of the World.  I know this because we googled the park, and there was a picture on the home page.

You should know that if you think this is comical, they've since replaced said picture with a video montage of the Faux-ly Christ with his hair blowing in the wind.  Kind of like this.

Anyway, after our initial howling with laughter, we perused the rest of the site.  We were sorely disappointed.  You pretty much just roam around and look at shoddy replicas of old stuff.  Where was the BAM, pizzazz, bad ass awesomeness that the park needed?  Why, if WE ran this theme park, Mickey would fall by the wayside.  If WE ran the park...

There'd be games!

Once you've got enough tickets, head on over to My Redeemer to cash them in for fabulous prizes.

Hungry?  Of course you are!  And we've got plenty of options to feed your stomach AND your soul!  Simply head to the food court for a nosh.

Now that you've eaten, it's time for the REAL fun to begin, and by real fun, I mean rides.  We've got loooooads of 'em here at Holywood, but here are our most beloved attractions.

Yes, that's right.  We combined cowboys and Christianity because, really, who doesn't want to get baptized by John Wayne the Baptist?  You know, Salvation at the OK Corral or something like that.  ANYWAY, after all that fun and excitement, I bet you're ready for some adult entertainment.  Yes, at Holywood, we don't judge.

What were you expecting?  Ankles is racy!  Feel free to slip a few dolla dolla bills to Merri Magdalene's melons because, at LeTITicus, all that money goes to charity.  We call it Jugs for Jesus... Okay, fine.  Maybe LeTITicus isn't really your scene.  I get it.  Maybe you'd rather spend your dolla dolla bills on something else.  HOW ABOUT SOME NIFTY USELESS SPIRITUAL SOUVENIRS??!?!?!  Pay a visit to Gift of the Magi Mega Mall and buy all kinds of shit awesome Christish giftage.

Have you spent oodles and oodles of cash yet?  Gooooooooood.  Because it's closing time, and the Faux-ly Christ is ready to go get his hair did, so if you'll please just exit through the gift shop...

But feel free to come back tomorrow.  We hope you enjoyed Holywood, and thank you for letting us be a part of your eternal salvation!